The Fool on the Hill

I'm not sure why it was that I did nothing about my situation for 10 years.  It wasn't that I was hoping in my heart of hearts that there might be a reconciliation, that train had left the station long before I made my decision.  It wasn't because I hadn't had plenty of encouragement from others, because most of my friends were incredulous that I hadn't made the move, and one very special friend was downright angry about it.  Can't say I blame her.

No, there were really two things that kept me from following through on the inevitable.  First was an over-developed sense of responsibility for the care and well-being of someone who had health needs that couldn't be easily addressed outside of a traditional, institutional health care plan.  I had been asked when our engagement was announced by her father, "Why get married?"  My answer at that time was, "So she can get health care."  She needed it then, and still does to this day.  That had always been there as a reason to do nothing.  Second, and most importantly, was fear.  Fear of the 'what-ifs'.  What if I lose everything?  What will people think of me?  Fear of the process itself.  I knew nothing of these things.  In the past, it had been the other party who had initiated the proceedings, and I had let them proceed.

But, it had been too long with my life in limbo.  I had been carrying around a part of my life that had no meaning for me any more, and which was coming between me, and the person I was trying to become.  So I decided to move forward.

Once I made the decision to proceed, everything seemed to fall into place.  The process itself was relatively painless.  The 'what-ifs' were trivial.  If I lost everything, I still had my friends and family.  The people about whose opinion I was concerned were probably glad that I was finally making the move.  There were avenues for her to continue to receive health care for a period of time, to act as a bridge to when she could get it on her own.  And I had a counselor who understood why I was proceeding, who was with me all the way, and who believed that I was doing the right thing.  She laid everything out in steps, and once each step was completed, I was one more step closer to the goal.

I'm not quite there yet, but the goal is in sight.  The best part is that there's a door at the goal line that opens up to the rest of my life.